Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

People who have bipolar disorder can have periods in which they feel overly happy and energized and other periods of feeling very sad, hopeless, and sluggish. In between those periods, they usually feel normal.

Symptoms of mania (“the highs”):

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
• Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
• Restlessness
• Rapid speech and poor concentration
• Increased energy and less need for sleep
• Unusually high sex drive
• Making grand and unrealistic plans
• Showing poor judgment
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Becoming more impulsive

During depressive periods (“the lows”), a person with bipolar disorder may have:

• Sadness
• Loss of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
• Not enjoying things they once liked
• Trouble concentrating
• Uncontrollable crying
• Trouble making decisions
• Irritability
• Needing more sleep
• Insomnia
• Appetite changes that make them lose or gain weight
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Attempting suicide

Murder…

I’m being murdered by my own mind. Fucking depression!!

I’m afraid cause I know I can’t fight forever fam.

I’m sorry, I’m legit just laying here realizing how NOT okay I am.

My head is a very dark place. I’m destroying myself but too fucked up to care.

It’s bad…

I knew I was in trouble, I knew it was bad when I got up in the morning and the only thing I’d look forward to is going back to bed.

I literally would not shower or brush my teeth or eat…nothing. I stopped functioning.

I’m known for “saving the world” but for fuck sake I can’t save myself. I’m broken. I need help.

My life has become me waiting to die… I need help… can’t do it myself, too weak.

FYI

I just want you all to know, that I’m thankful for everything.

I’m thankful for the life I have been given and I’m thankful for everybody that’s in it, but this has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with me.

And if one day I am no longer here, I just want you to all know that I love you, and you have made my life worth while.

You gave me a sense of purpose,
a reason to try and hold on.
I love you…
Even after my dying days…

-Jaytekz

Bullet

Is this all for nothing?  

Sometimes I wanna pull it.. End it all with a bullet. 

Bipolar

That’s pain…

Problem with depression

Suffer From Depression

I suffer from depression. Severe cases of it. Not one case of depression, not a severe case, but severe cases of depression. Music is my only outlet, it’s therapeutic to me. It’s a release. It’s how I vent emotionally.

-Kevin Gates 

I draw with silver and it turns red…

I assume this is self explanatory but it may not be for some people. So let me explain. 

With my mental health issues, I have good and bad coping mechanisms. One of the bad ones is drawing with silver. What does that mean?  Simple, I cut myself. 

Why do I do it? Well, to inflict physical pain on myself takes away the pain that’s within. 

Now I know that doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, but others will understand. It helps me to feel better. I never got spankings as a child (at least none that i can recall) because it didn’t phase me. I use sit in my room and choke myself. What’s a little spanking compared to that? 

Fast forward…I’m still doing dumb shit in an attempt to cope with the battles that are in my head. Finally, I’m realizing I need help. I can’t do this alone, I can’t try fix things on my own anymore. They say no man/woman is an island…I usually always say, except for me, I am. SMH, time to let that go. My foolish pride. 

Yes I do need help but my cries are unheard. My friends are too afraid, the doctors think I’m just going through the motions. Then the world wonders why people snap?  Some of us actually do try to seek help but we aren’t taken seriously enough. 

Just a few days ago my doctor asked if I feel suicidal, I said yes. I’m still out here free, cutting myself and smashing walls. Thanks a lot doc. 

So until I figure things out or get the help I really need, my arm is my canvas and I continue to draw with silver as it turns red…

Karma

You smiled to my face as you worked so hard to set me up, laughing and waiting to see me demise. Weapons may form against me but they will not prosper. Vengeance is the Lords.

Now I have my popcorn and drink in hand watching while you slowly Kurt Cobain yourself. Now I see why my mom and grandma always told me to walk away gracefully.

Sometimes you have to step back from situations to get a perfect view. The tattoo on my ankle says, “God’s Child”. Still, I wish you the best.